An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo was pond daring the existence of the British fascination with the word SIR. You see in America, the term SIR has a completely different meaning. It is not bestowed upon you by a Queen. Nor is it to be taken lightly. SIR, to the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo, is a title of respect that is earned by a little thing called DISCIPLINE. The other day, Chief Crazy Captain Christo had the immensely good fortune of having a little fun with someone walking and flying around the planet known as Sir Richard Branson. Here is the exact conversation that was recorded on July 18th 2009. Richard Branson is shown here as SIRI BRA to protect his ego! He was on a flight over the Atlantic when he looked out of the window and saw an eery O-Range Blob of Light.

SIRI BRA: " Stewardess, is it just me or is there an O-Range Blob of Light on the wing of our plane. It looks like he is skateboarding on a halp pipe with three feet of vertical playing a Dimebag Electric Razorback Explosion guitar with a brass slide. Tell him to come in at once. He's scaring the HE double toothpicks outta me and he's not supposed to deflate my ego!"

O-Range Blob of Light:" SIRI BRA, is that you? Wow it is you. Hey you look a lot older in prison er I mean person."

SIRI BRA,to the pilot of the plane, " Captain! Please divert our plane back to England. We seem to have an unwanted guest on our flight who needs to get off immediately." Turning to the O-Range Blob of Light, SIRI BRA continued:" Look! I don't know who you are or where you came from but you are going to be led away in handcuffs when we reach Scotland Yard! Who the HELL are you?"

Chief Crazy Captain Christo felt sorry for Billionaire Branson. For the first time in his life, Chief Crazy Captain Christo felt sorry for a rich person. So the Good Chief did what any American would do! He slapped Richard to attention.

O-Range Blob of Light-" Attention! SIRI BRA, my name is Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I have come to ROCK the world. When we get to Scotland Yard you tell them to stand down and I will let you live. Anything else will be career suicide for you SIRI BRA."

Laughing hysterically SIRI BRA exclaimed, " You are definitely mad! Did you take some mushroom tea with the Queen?"

O-Range Blob of Light-" SIRI BRA, you are insulting my intelligence! Now I must do what I told myself I would never do. OK here it is SIRI BRA. You only have 78 Chances till Ophelia. You have 78 chances till you are erased from The Book of Pumpkins."

SIRI BRA-" 78 chances or I'll be erased from what? A bloody book that has never been written! Let me tell you something Chief. You are on my plane and when we get to Scotland Yard, you will be arrested and charged with interfering with air travel and I will make sure the charges stick and you spend the rest of your bloody days in confinement."

O-Range Blob of Light- " Before you go I have two requests. One is don't open this O-Range letter till January 2010. The other request is could you have the visiting warden at Scotland Yard be Angus. Remember SIRI, 78 Chances."

When the plane arrived at Scotland Yard, big beefy security types met SIRI BRA and hauled Chief Crazy Captain Christo away in what could only be described as Prison Heaven. The loud speakers bellowed out strains of AC/DCs For Those About To Rock" SIRI BRA stared at the speeding chauffeur driven limousine and wondered to himself, " What did that chief mean about 78 chances. He must be crazy if he thinks I am going to heed anything he says. I am Sir Richard Branson and I bow to no Americans!

On a wing and a prayer floated the immortal words of Chief Crazy Captain Christo, " Think again Dick!" SIRI BRA was inflamed! Stay tuned America! In January 2010 you will find out what was written on the O-Range letter handed to SIRI BRA.

Learn Ventriloquism

Ventriloquism is an old art and there are signs of its existence since the time of 500BC. Around this time and for centuries later, the main use for ventriloquism was to impose respect and scare people by using it as if it people were hearing voices from the spiritual helm. Today it is used primarily as a form of entertainment. However, many people still believe that it is some kind of gift that you must be born with in order to be a ventriloquist.

In reality it is just a technique that can be learned, practiced and performed by absolutely anyone. The only pre-requisite is your will to be a ventriloquist. Centuries ago ventriloquists tried extremely hard to keep the techniques they used absolutely secret and they achieved this very well as the majority of the books and learning material that are around today are extremely superficial and don't really go anywhere deep enough for anyone to become a competent ventriloquist.

If you want to learn how to be a ventriloquist or are already a professional there is only one piece of material that is considered a gem, the hidden manuscript where you will find all the little secrets on ventriloquism. Ventriloquism can almost be compared to the art of playing an instrument. You must learn it well before you can really play a whole piece of music with it.

Once this art has been learned you can then confidently play without having to think too much about what you are doing because it becomes second nature. Ventriloquism is the same. Once you know exactly where to position your tongue, jaw and how to make your vocal cords do the work without the intervention of the lips you will see that it is not that difficult at all. You just need to apply the techniques as it says in this amazing manual. Maybe you would like to try this: Whilst facing a mirror with your lips semi-closed, just one-eighth of an inch open, keep your jaw rigid and say the letter "A".

Keep your teeth closed or a little separated but not too much. You will see that you will be able to say not only "A" but also all the vowels. I am sure you will find that you can do this without any trouble at all. However, when you try to say the letter "B" you can see that is a lot trickier.

All the secrets about ventriloquism are revealed in this formidable book and you will be able you perform like a professional or even if you are a professional you will find out a lot more to be able to be the best. Just check out Ventriloquism Secrets Revealed.

If I Could Prank a Celebrity, Here's What I'd Do...

Ashton Kutcher has "Punk'd," and while that provided some entertainment, it's gotten a bit old. Instead, here's a list of five celebrities we'd like to prank - from the Jonas brothers meeting their predecessors in the ring to A-Roid getting a dose of "reality," let the pranks begin

1. The Jonas Brothers
What I'd do: Prank call from an MTV network executive pitching the latest band of brothers in a real-life Celebrity Deathmatch face-off with Hanson, the 1990s version of the Jonas Brothers. Isaac, Taylor and Zac Hanson have signed on for this WWE-inspired Brotherly Love match-up. Kevin, Joe and Nick Jonas would compete against the elder brothers in a series of moves: best guitar solo, highest high note and most metrosexual outfit.

2. Miley Cyrus
What I'd do: Send a server to her residence to deliver a document notifying the teen starlet that her request to legally change her name to Hannah Montana has been received and accepted pending her appearance at the courthouse with a 1,000-word essay on why this name change will not confuse the masses more than they already are about the differences between her and her Disney Channel character.

3. Britney Spears
What I'd do: Hire a Kevin Federline impersonator who calls Brit Brit begging for her to take him back. His reasoning would include that his last album flopped, he can't get laid and is running out of money. Basically explaining why he married her in the first place. And if that doesn't work, use the kids as barter.

4. Paris Hilton
Show up at the hotel heiress' door as the president of the Razzie Awards with her three Golden Raspberry Awards that she collected for worst actress in "The Hottie and the Nottie," worst supporting actress for "Repo! The Genetic Opera" and the prize for worst screen couple for "Hottie." Have a photographer present as well and ask the "actress" to pose for the camera with her awards and say a few words of acceptance.

5. Alex Rodriguez
What I'd do: Send a letter, certified mail of course, from Major League Baseball.
Dear Mr. Rodriguez,

After careful and much consideration, Major League Baseball executives have decided to publicly announce our intention to refrain from investigating into your alleged steroid use, circa 2003, and announce a new policy: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Effective April 1, 2009, MLB will no longer be testing its players - for anything, including the use of performance-enhancing drugs such as steroids.

It is the new belief of the league that players should continue to improve their overall performance by any means necessary, including anabolic steroids.

With that said, the league would like to contact your cousin about being commissioned, off the record, by the MLB as a provider of substances including testosterone and Primobolan. Also, do you still have Jose Canseco's contact information? He isn't returning our calls.